Tuesday, September 22, 2015
"You finally got what you wanted.. I can see it from your posts that you seem to be doing good.. I'm happy that you are, cause I finally am too."
This is a post that might not fit my usual pattern but this is a story that I must tell, cause this had a huge impact on my life and has redefined myself..
"Trust me" was the sentence that I was merely hanging on to. I had insecurity issues. He knew. There was a reason. He knew. We've argued about it. I couldn't believe he would go that low.. So I ran out. Even after that I knew what he was doing behind my back. I pushed it aside, cause I thought 'trust me' was enough. I admit that it seemed like things were genuinely getting better. I was sorta official in his life. Or I was the least. To be honest, I had a feeling that he was trying to hide me when he was what I was "showing off". The time, the distance, the energy, the cost, the changes, was then, worth it. Yet, his mind was set elsewhere. I'm fine with that, I understood priorities.
Throughout the whole relationship I was in a war between my mind and my heart. Knowing what he was doing behind my back and pretending not to just because he asked me to "trust me". That was how much I wanted things to work.
It was only until one fated night that it finally sunk in to me, "trust me" wasnt enough. I wasn't stupid, I just ignored the shit he did, just because I wanted things to work.. My heart was turning to stone. He didn't knew what I knew then cause I was still putting in as much effort as I did before. But I couldn't hold on to "trust me" anymore. I wanted more, but I became a "punching bag" for all his other worries. It was then that things started to fall apart. I was getting tired, I was giving up and there was no reason for me to gain his trust anymore.
As the days past by, I got acquainted with a man, who is different than he was.. And I cared less about trying. Only then I became part of his worries. That did not absolve me from becoming his punching bag. It made things worse.. and I had lost interest in all drama. But I had to make a decision. His solution was to appreciate me. It was too late to just appreciate me then. Being finally acknowledged by him, was not enough compared to what I've done. I had taken in too much bullshit to tolerate anymore.
I had no more hope for change from him, but I still have feelings. So I based my decision on one question:
"Would you be able to accept and love my religion?"
His answer was based on his opinion then, 'not sure, so no'. After all that I have done for him - to me, he became no different than 'the others' and he should be treated like 'the others'. To live their lives without me.
It was in fact, something that he initially wanted. I won't blame him for not being able to see what I've become for him. I admit he was my kryptonite. I would've done things differently if his answer was different, because only then, I could've been assured that I did make a change, I did made an impact in his life and his future had me in it. But I wasn't anywhere in his life. Just another one of his girls.