Faith's Blog
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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

"You finally got what you wanted.. I can see it from your posts that you seem to be doing good.. I'm happy that you are, cause I finally am too."

This is a post that might not fit my usual pattern but this is a story that I must tell, cause this had a huge impact on my life and has redefined myself..

"Trust me" was the sentence that I was merely hanging on to. I had insecurity issues. He knew. There was a reason. He knew. We've argued about it. I couldn't believe he would go that low.. So I ran out. Even after that I knew what he was doing behind my back. I pushed it aside, cause I thought 'trust me' was enough. I admit that it seemed like things were genuinely getting better. I was sorta official in his life. Or I was the least. To be honest, I had a feeling that he was trying to hide me when he was what I was "showing off". The time, the distance, the energy, the cost, the changes, was then, worth it. Yet, his mind was set elsewhere. I'm fine with that, I understood priorities.

Throughout the whole relationship I was in a war between my mind and my heart. Knowing what he was doing behind my back and pretending not to just because he asked me to "trust me". That was how much I wanted things to work. 

It was only until one fated night that it finally sunk in to me, "trust me" wasnt enough. I wasn't stupid, I just ignored the shit he did, just because I wanted things to work.. My heart was turning to stone. He didn't knew what I knew then cause I was still putting in as much effort as I did before. But I couldn't hold on to "trust me" anymore. I wanted more, but I became a "punching bag" for all his other worries. It was then that things started to fall apart. I was getting tired, I was giving up and there was no reason for me to gain his trust anymore.

As the days past by, I got acquainted with a man, who is different than he was.. And I cared less about trying. Only then I became part of his worries. That did not absolve me from becoming his punching bag. It made things worse.. and I had lost interest in all drama. But I had to make a decision. His solution was to appreciate me. It was too late to just appreciate me then. Being finally acknowledged by him, was not enough compared to what I've done. I had taken in too much bullshit to tolerate anymore.

I had no more hope for change from him, but I still have feelings. So I based my decision on one question:

"Would you be able to accept and love my religion?"

His answer was based on his opinion then, 'not sure, so no'. After all that I have done for him - to me, he became no different than 'the others' and he should be treated like 'the others'. To live their lives without me. 

It was in fact, something that he initially wanted. I won't blame him for not being able to see what I've become for him. I admit he was my kryptonite. I would've done things differently if his answer was different, because only then, I could've been assured that I did make a change, I did made an impact in his life and his future had me in it. But I wasn't anywhere in his life. Just another one of his girls.

12:24 AM

Thursday, June 05, 2014

10:16 PM

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Having faith..

3:16 PM

Monday, May 05, 2014

It has been a very challenging, past few years. I would thought that things would turn around eventually but looking back, I've realised it has all been a sham. But there's no point in looking back, no point in anything. Things will always be on average. Cause that's just life. All my life I have been clouded by the idea that you can dream big, and you can have that dream. But nothing has seemed to be on track. And I'm talking about this generally. Maybe its fair to assume that I haven't been working hard on that dream i.e. messing up when doing my degree, and still unemployed, but then again from a different perspective, I have done my best i.e. to secure what I had once called my relationship.

But thing is, I have been trying to turn things around. And I'm unsure if its because I'm not trying hard enough or I'm trying to hard. Cause eitherways, nothing has worked in my favor. So from now on, I think I'm just gonna give in. I'm just gonna go average. Just gonna follow the way of living in Brunei, get a stable job that gets good enough, just find someone good enough to marry, and live the average life that I have never dreamed about.

2:35 AM

Monday, January 27, 2014

For some reason I went through my older posts. I realised how much things havent changed from me. Its frustrating I know.. but there's nothing much I can do. Heck.. I dont know what there is to do. Im at a dead-end. At least thats how it feels like right now. This I was talking about career wise. What I meant to write about was.. my feelings. How much it hasnt changed since then. How much of what I wrote, is how I feel when I read it. Its just.. I dont know..

Okay I'm sorry.. i cant continue with this post.. i need to pee so bad.. and eat.. cause im hungry. :D

10:13 AM

Monday, January 20, 2014

I'll try baby..

I'll try for us.

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9:52 AM

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Just thought I'd blog.

It's a new year..=) its 2014. Alot has happened in 2013. It has always been the case, that you dont realise how much has happened till you sit down and thought about it.

1. My Boo
2. Got my first actual job experience
3. Everything else that I had gone through everyday.

Though I haven't really achieved any of what I wish to achieve, but I feel content right now. At this moment that I'm blogging this. I've learned that life isn't always easy. It's shit, but if I am able to take the good moments from it, it's enough.

I dont really have a reason to blog, just wanted to update on things.. Since i'm waiting for this game to update. I've set the 'gaming station' up, and didnt want all the energy I put to doing it to waste. Lol.

So yeah.. for my birthday, I got a new phone. And I get to spend them with the people I value most in my life.. =) That's why I'm pretty content about it.

A few days ago, my parents flew off, and they're coming back tomorrow. I'm excited..=) cause 1. my stuff and 2. I miss them. I'm sure when they're back its back to the usual nag and such, but its alright.

I dont really know what else to blog about. Maybe if I remember then I'll blog again.. :) but for now I think that's it. I just want to state down that this year, I hope things will be different. One simple resolution for the new year is; to be more productive. I hope I'll be able to achieve it..=)


p/s: I was also employed by a Pakistani man towards the end of the year. Oh my.. what a hypocrite he was.

3:04 PM