It's been over a year since mum left us, and it still feels surreal. I often catch myself feeling like I'm waiting for her to come home, but instantly realise that will never happen. Grief - they say are experienced differently, although we kept moving on with life, there's always that part of us still holding on to what was.

I clearly remember the day she passed like it was just months ago. That decision I made to take the day off that day was to spend time with her, little did I know, it was our last. There were so many things that I wished I had done differently, but nonetheless I'm just grateful that I made that decision that day. To our very last "conversation" she wouldn't want to disappoint me. Though it sounds self-centred, this is the thought that I will always hold on to in life. Her patience and perseverance is something that I would want to instill in myself as a legacy towards her. She wasnt perfect, but she was my mom and she forever is.

The thought of not having her by my side in my next milestones in life, dawned on me from the moment it all began. I remember when I first got big news after her passing. All I could do was drive home in tears, cause she was the first I wanted to share it with, but she wasn't there. It didn't get easier since then but I've started to accept that this was the new "routine" and it just kinda integrated gracefully as the "new norm".

Things have been particularly empty since December set in. For some reason, I miss her a little bit more, it was a visit the day after my birthday that I realised, my December - which used to be my month of celebration - was empty without her. I've realised that in the past year since her passing that Ive just kept on moving without even realising that I was just living the routine. That most of my frustrations since then stemmed from the fact that I couldn't share it with her. She wasnt there to remind me that "with great patience comes great rewards".

As we're about to step into a new year, I'm wary about what the year will bring upon me. I hope with this newly profound realisation, I'll be able to break away from the negativity and toxicity that has engulfed me over the years. Deteriorating. Mental. State. As I would like to label it now, is something I hope to leave far behind so I can focus on the more important things for me to honor as a tribute to continue mum's legacy.

This won't be my only post about mum, but I'll try to keep posting a variety of other topics from now. I hope you readers, would still stay tuned till then!

Send some prayers for mum! 🩶

December 27, 2024