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Faith's Blog
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Tuesday, January 04, 2022

The past years have been one hell of a roller coaster ride, with the pandemic, the situation at work and dealing with the trauma from my last relationship.

my last relationship, I hate to admit had actually done quite significant damage, mentally. I was in such a dark place, everything was in black, white with gray the edges. Not until I got out did I remember the world is filled with colors, which I later found out do fade away in certain spaces. When those spaces are filled by a dark energy, whom to be clear for the purposes of this post, are the human forms, they suck the color out of it.

I guess humans by nature are vulnerable, and this allows the dark energy - I mean other 'humans'(?) - feeds and engulf whatever the space it fills, turning it black, white with gray edges. The good thing about this is, they are contained to that space and it means you can still step out of the frame, back into color. If circumstances allow it, or if you have the balls to. 271121

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It's a new year, 2022 version. 

It's been one hell of a December and it was still the best month of the year. My December summed up the year perfectly. On a roller coaster, it'd be that bit where you twist and turn, and as all rollercoasters, it gets back to the platform. I couldn't have asked for any more. 

It's just the fourth day of the year, and though things remain the same, they have changed. It's difficult to put in words, but we'll just see. 

Bismillahirahmannirahim. 

January 04, 2022

Friday, November 19, 2021

 Utter disbelief is just what I can say.


I am not that experienced but I'm not simply stupid. I may the youngest, the most junior but I can still think, probably abit damaged on the brain, but it still works well enough to able to see that's just disgustingly such a drop of standard quality of work. These witches, they don't deserve it, who are they to evaluate any one. I have never felt such disappointment over something like this. I have never felt so disgusted. 


Why. Why. Why?


Why are we just passed by every day. We have been waiting for you for months. All we want is just abit of justice. We are a result of a "strategic change", I'm not sure how demotivation and demoralisation fits in the plan but that's what we've become. They lost a working task force, in hundreds and allowing more "convenient" ones in place. From your ignorant comments and egoistic attitude you simply seem like there has been no down side to this. I have tried to instil some faith, but all you've done up to this point has proved otherwise and especially at this scale. Only an inconsiderate, unapologetic, selfish baka can do that, totally on the contrary. 

We studied too, I understand propaganda. 


This: 

Has been the major breaking point. Doesn't seem like she's wants this to go away. I was over it but now, I want my answers.




November 19, 2021

Tuesday, November 16, 2021

Every time I work up the willingness to accept, you do something that would pull that away. Like when I was 15 and 19 and now?


It's difficult to open up about this, cause barely anyone, I know, share the same ideology. I have seen the same spirit and even greater, but it didn't derive from one common thing. 

What I have seen in the past years did not fall short of what I had expected and yet, it still frustrates me like its the first time i've realised it. No one wants to deal with the elephant in the room so they just ignore and pass it cause that's 'less work'. What's more disgusting is the fact that it's their fault the elephant is stuck on the manhole that's filled with their shit.


Till someone cares enough to even address the elephant, expectations are just as real as flying ponies. 



November 16, 2021

Friday, November 12, 2021

 After all these years, that quote finally resonates perfectly.

That's not what I want for my life and the guy before was the epitome of it. To even have slight fear for your own life, is just crazy. why I didn't see that, is beyond me and I'm just so grateful. So. Very. Grateful. I don't have it as bad as I used to. The 'battle-ground' is red now, but the world has color. It's not in 'gray-scale'. 


Alhamdulillah.


It's Friday.




November 12, 2021

Thursday, November 11, 2021

I could feel darks clouds above me as thoughts of going back to see the faces of slimes loom my mind.

They don't deserve this and yet, culture allows them. Don't you see that your discriminatory mind is the reason we can't progress? Your mind is not open enough to see past beyond the labels you have created in your mind, you should start compartmentalising the fact that you're no better than them, you don't deserve any more respect than them. You're lucky you're even worth some respect at all.

A person in your capacity should be knowledgeable enough to know abit about everything, including history. You should know from the statistics that you should have access to, the number of unemployed undergraduates who has the ability to learn, as good as you if not even better.

The problem is not in the youth, or the nation. The problem is the culture that you and your people practice. Demotivation and demoralisation shouldn't be a joke to you, are you not aware of mental health issues? Studies have shown that these factors affects job productivity. So why is this issue not tackled if this could help people, perhaps half the nation. 

I hate though how my sister's "be the change" ringing in my head every time I feel like just leaving things as they are. I'm not trying to some sort of 'hero' but if that is what it needs to instil some sort of dignity, she's right and it's really is hard to give up now. There's just still potential. Too much potential to be thrown away like how sHe's just throwing them away now.

I think part of my anger and despise is from that. When there are hundreds whom she claims sHe cares for hanging on a thread, sHe just negligently let it slip by her. Just so sHe can take the easy way out. I'm so grateful, sHe has to see now that there's no easy way out. Well, not for someone like her anyways, sHe deserves it. 

I know it's beyond me, but some changes are clear cut and needed to make everything work the way they used to. With results. Not just some glamor witch at the top chasing clout. Well at least as a kick-start. Every thing will just have to be sorted on the journey itself. 



November 11, 2021

Tuesday, November 09, 2021


Yesterday I found this post while scrolling through social media:



Now I truly understand what it means when it is said something has to happen for opportunities to open up. True it may be for someone else, but what sort of monster wouldn't appreciate a gesture of blessing of someone else. It could be a bad thing/ day for you, and a blessing for others. What's one bad thing/day compared to months and years of other blessings?So when they say its fate, just take a deep breath and take it. You're there, you're breathing and you have all these other little blessings around you. The screen your eyes are glued to now, attached to a device on the hands you use to hold it. It's a blessing. 

This gives me a bit of a relief to know that I'm on this "battle-ground" cause I'm meant to be here, not because I deserve all this cause I'm not good enough. In fact, I should be grateful that I was guided through techniques and weapons of 'combat' before being released here. I still need to keep upgrading, but hey, they have been useful thus far. I have to fight this battle, to truly see if I'll be able to handle the rewards well. 



November 09, 2021

Saturday, November 06, 2021

 This should be the best time to write. 


Cool rainy night and just transitioning to something more chill.


I was looking back at my posts, didn't thought I'd be able to get back to writing. Well sort of. Slowly but surely. 

==============================


I left it hanging. I have to admit, though it seems like I'm back on track, it hasnt felt as smooth as it used to. 


Blue skies, birds chirping, bliss. 


These may be difficult times for society, but this is really the sort of reset we all need. 


What I have had to go through over the years have proved myself that the past does define an individual at present. Not forgetting, circumstances, it's something you just have to fall into. Nothing that has happened or is happening to a person is because they "deserve it" and just because that's a scenario doesn't mean karma isn't real too. We're just put in different scenarios as a test to see how well we can adapt, are you human? the devil's advocate? or something in between. 

This doesn't excuse anyone from their actions, but it's not necessarily an energy you have to keep in your space. 

How much have I grown since then. It has felt so long since I feel like I'm back to where I left off. It has been one hell of rollercoaster ride of thinking I was redefining myself when I was losing myself. Borderline so thin, you could barely understand the difference unless you've been there yourself. All I could remember is a black cloud over those years. The hopeless romantic chasing after treasure at the end of the rainbow, with the help of a troll. Right. Like that worked out well right?

Well, here's the twist, it did, after it was all over. It was tough too though, I certainly wouldn't have thought I'd stop half way there and went back to where I left off. I didn't realise that I had ran off track and I'm so glad that was something that I could still go back to then and now, I'm ever so grateful.



November 06, 2021

Monday, November 01, 2021

 This sudden realisation of your role in my life, sends a gush of shiver across my body. 

It's funny that it came along with being able to stand by the door to wave you goodbye. It was nothing we ever spoke about, I can live with being wrong about it cause this, is good to. 

*in Joe's creepy tone* this way i'll never lose you. 


Jokes aside, I sat down this morning ready to start the day "new", but alas, it's just routinely in the way. So I sat down this morning, with some actual work, which right now, I, am quite proud of. Sorta did finish about half of it, until this revelation.  

I guess I had always knew what 'we' were, which is why I made a choice which I had thought was a mistake. I just realised that mistake was also for you too, just as how your choice now is for me. We had to be put in our place and I'm glad, cause that's better than having thought I deserved that mistake. I didn't. I just had to go through it to realise what this unspoken connection was. Thank you for drawing me a bridge to the next guy. I hope he's the total opposite of the last one and I hope he's better than you are. 😱😂


November 01, 2021

Thursday, October 21, 2021

 Fixated by the plot, how it resembles a life that is distant but familiar.


It was nothing out of a love story. Far beyond it. It is, a thriller. You (TV series) - Wikipedia

I've only finished Season 1, but boy, did it bring back some past traumas.

The stigma to having mental health issues is just 'you're crazy', and that is socially unacceptable.

But this is the reality of life. Mental health issues put others life at risk. This is something that should be tackled to make the world more of place for humans to live in instead of monsters. 

If technology can evolve, wouldn't psychos too? They are in fact, in physical form, human.


So why should we ignore mental illness, when ignoring it meant a worse place to live in for our future generations? 

Why are we instead normalising this sort of behaviour? What do we get out of it? More people with mental illness as a result of these monsters?

why are we regressing?




October 21, 2021

Thursday, September 30, 2021

This is a point in life that I didn't want to get to when I thought of work in my teens.

I didn't want to be those people who stay on their laptop doing work and only talk about work. But here I am. I've turned one of them.

Well I guess that's just a trait of being human. You tend to fall to typical normal behavior, well for obvious reasons. You can't train a cat to be a dog, expecting it will become a dog. That's borderline insanity.

But my point being here is that, there has to be a point in life, where you have to face the very monsters you run from. No matter how well thought out you thought your escape plan is. It's just fate. It's god. It never cross my mind that it would work that way.

Kintsugi:



Not all things broken are useless, but there are alot of new gadgets with useless features.




September 30, 2021

Monday, September 06, 2021

 I don't have anything to say... yet.


But I wanted to capture this. This moment.


"that beauty existed. That a certain of human creation existed... and .. it was possible to re-create that."


September 06, 2021




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